The Renegade Writer Blog

We asked you to send in a “query letter you’d love to send — but never would.” As promised, here are our top picks. Now it’s up to you: please vote on your favorite by commenting here or e-mailing Linda at lindaformichelli@gmail.com. The winner will receive a signed copy of The Renegade Writer’s Query Letters That Rock when it’s released in November. Deadline for voting is August 25, 2006.

We also have a winner in the “rejection letter I’d love to send” contest — party because the letter is hilarious, and partly because it’s the only one we received! Guess we’re not on the must-read list for editors (yet). The winning entry is at the end of this post.

ENTRY #1: Terri Conroy

Dear Cosmo Editor,

You wanted to drive him crazy, but you ended up driving him to the emergency room. When happens when those secrets to spice up your sex life end in disaster?

That’s the question I’d like to answer in an article called: When he’s literally begging for mercy. The article looks at that staple of women’s magazines – the sex tips – and shows how bad instructions and poor execution have led to humiliation, pain and even injury for many unfortunate couples.

In the article, I’ll focus on the first-hand experiences of many couples who have told their story, including:

David, a 45 year old professor whose wife Shelley is obsessed with trying out the latest sex tips. “When the mail comes in and I see one of those titles on her magazine, I’m tempted to throw it out,” he says. “Shelley’s a wonderful wife and mother, but she’s horrible at following directions. I’m on edge all week just waiting for the night she wants to practice.”

Kathy, a 26 year old nurse who tested a technique that terrified her boyfriend “I thought I was following the instructions but when he let out a blood-curdling scream, it just didn’t sound like he was enjoying it. Maybe the articles should have diagrams.”

Sean, a 32 year old attorney whose two-year wedding anniversary celebration ended with an emergency room visit and a blood transfusion. “I think I blacked out,” he says recounting the night of the incident, “but not in a good way. The scar’s almost gone, though, so that’s a positive.”

In addition to these first-person accounts, I’ll include advice from sex therapists on how to tell the difference between a moan of pleasure and one of pain. Finally, I’ll conclude with a physician’s recommendations on how to handle any sex-related injury.

I’m a freelance writer based in Atlanta and I’ve written for…

*****

ENTRY #2: Joyce Megginson Kircher

Dear Editor of More,

More is a good magazine, but should never have been hatched, as
I’m sure you might agree if you ponder the inference drawn from its very existence: that women have to justify their existence after falling over the hill at age 41. Would you like a piece on the happy dissolution of same? How much per word and how many words? And if you don’t pay on acceptance, to hell with it.

*****

ENTRY #3: Thomas Pellechia

Query to: Cigar Aficionado Magazine

Hello Mr. Shanken,

You know, sometimes a cigar really is just a cigar, but then with so many potential uses for the large, shall we say, suggestively shaped instrument–vis a vis, Bill Clinton’s example–I believe there is a wider story to tell beyond the fact that it is a smelly tobacco stick that has no place beside a good glass of wine, as your magazine alludes; in fact, a case can be made that a cigar has no place anyplace. But that is not the case I want to make, even though, after my second round of chemo I probably ought to have seen the light by now.

Many people use the cigar not just to smoke but to impress. The question is: who the hell are they impressing. You and I both know the answer–they are impressing your banker, and mine too if you will accept the following idea.

I propose to write a 500 to 800 word piece extolling the virtues of the cigar at summertime. You read that correctly; the virtues of the cigar at summertime.

When I was a child we had something we used to call a “punk.” I can’t remember its real name, (for the article I promise I will have looked up the real name). Anyway, we would light the punk and it would simmer for hours, chasing away the ’squitoes and sundry pests like bullies and adults. This is exactly the best summer use for the cigar. When I light one of those babies every ’squito from miles around takes a hike, or the equivalent of a hike, since your readers will know that ’squitoes can’t walk, even if some seem large enough to be land animals. More importantly, however, when I light a cigar, and after I finish my five minute coughing bout, I look around me and I find I am alone.

What better thing is there than to have access to an instrument that looks like pleasure for the individual using it but really is just a mechanism to foster solitude–and loneliness–on a hot summer evening. Can’t you just smell the beauty in this idea?

What do you pay writers? These chemo visits are expensive.

I await your answer, but please make it quick–chemo may be expensive, but it is not a guarantee…

Thank you,

Thomas Pellechia
Wine, food, business writing, and wine education

http://www.thomaspellechia.com

*****

ENTRY #4: Roxanne Hawn

Dear EIC at Big Bridal Magazine,

Here’s an article I think brides need to read.

The Wedding Biz

Oversaturated Market Bilks Millions from Brides Everywhere

Dateline: Modern Day, Any Major City

Thrilled to find a brand-new reception facility right in the heart of the city, Jennifer Johnson, 27, placed a call just hours after getting engaged. “I thought, ‘Great! No one I know has gotten married there,’ and I figured they’d be desperate for bookings – and maybe even a little cheaper.”

She was wrong. Phillip’s Chateaux of the Enchanted Forest might be new to the market, but its owner Seymour Pits already knows the bridal game, including astronomical markups. His site rents for $20,000 for three hours on a Saturday night. “When we found this old legion hall, we figured a little paint, a few silk plants and a stack of white plastic chairs, and we’d be in the wedding business,” he says.

In this boom, everyone’s in the bridal game. No one is doing it particularly well, but it feels impressive. The city’s bridal marketplace has grown by 30 percent annually for the last three years. Caterers, reception halls, bands, florists and others have flooded the market.

Oh, and don’t forget the I’ve-got-a-black-robe-and-an-online-ordination ministers. Their motto? Have kitsch will wed.

“Sure, I’m the guy for the godless, the churchless, the meaningless modern brides and grooms,” admits the Rev. Steve Hornblat – his voice more cheesy morning DJ than spiritual leader. “Really, what couples want is somebody who looks good, sounds good and who can get their names right. I’m just an MC. They’re the stars.”

The explosion of vendors doesn’t surprise business analyst Barbie Bendle. “In any great city, there can be five great restaurants in one block,” she explains. “It’s the same with the wedding business. It’s all about tapping into disposable income. People talk about weddings not being a repeat business, but with the divorce rate these days, that’s not really true now is it.”

Sales reps at City Bride – a semi-annual, bound volume of ads masquerading as a magazine – are happy too. “Business is up, up, up,” says David Guy. “More vendors means more choice for brides. Of course, price fixing handles that pesky little detail of supply and demand. We couldn’t be happier.”

My article, “The Wedding Biz,” will enumerate in excruciating detail all the various ways bridal vendors bilk couples out of millions each year. A sidebar, entitled “Take This Church and Shove It,” will cover how even religious leaders grab precious wedding dollars at every turn.

I look forward to working with you on this piece. I’ve been writing about weddings for longer than I ever thought possible. See my website for clips and more about me.

All My Best,

*****

And the “rejection letter I’d love to send,” from editor Kristen King:

Ivan,

You’re kidding, right? An editor responds with specific feedback as to why your approach was unsuccessful and makes suggestions as to how to improve it for the future, and then wishes you luck, and you accuse the editor of flaming you and respond with a personal attack that goes so far as to question the quality and/or frequency of the editor’s sexual activities? Are you joking? The only appropriate response to an editor who takes time out of his or her day to help you is “Thank you,” period.

You contacted me with professed expertise in subject matters that are completely unrelated to my explicitly stated readership, asked me questions about payment that were answered on the publication’s website, and rudely assumed that you would be hired sight unseen with no last name, no résumé, no references, and no apparent understanding of or regard for what I was looking for. Your first message contained 47 words, including your name. It also contained no fewer than 14 errors in grammar, spelling, capitalization, and punctuation. In case you’re as bad at math as you are at writing, that’s roughly one error per every three words. When I referred your questions to the guidelines, you insisted, again barely coherently, that the information you asked for and that I requested you review is not present there when, clearly, it is.

The only possibilities that leaves me with are (a) that you haven’t read the guidelines at all despite your insistence that you have, which makes you a liar, or (b) that you did read the guidelines and are not literate enough to understand basic information about my publication and you somehow think that’s my problem, which makes you an idiot. I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt by going with option A. However, given the current circumstances, B does seem to be the inevitable conclusion.

Do you seriously think I’m going to read, “i feel sorry for people who work for you.im not desperate for a job as i write for a top [national] newspaper than a newsletter.i read your guidelines and to show how unprofessionally you are you accussed me of not reading. you sound desparate and you are not getting enough,” and I’m going to say, “By George, he’s right! What was I thinking? I’m going to hire him immediately!”?

First of all, PEOPLE DON’T WORK FOR ME. If you had read my guidelines even once, you would have seen that I’m simply accepting article queries and submissions, which, for the record, were not included in any of your three messages. Your vitriolic attack is not going to make me spontaneously create a staff so you can be on it, and it definitely doesn’t make me regret my decision to tell you that I’m not interested in working with you.

Second, what the hell are you talking about? I don’t even know what you’re trying to say in the rest of that paragraph. Quite frankly, I can’t decide what’s more offensive: the abusive nature of your message, or your excruciatingly bad writing.

Third, I’m not sure how declining to work with an evidently unskilled writer (and I’m being kind there) qualifies me as “desparate,” but you are certainly entitled to your own opinion. However, I would contend that harassing an editor who has taken the time to give you free advice that will improve your success in seeking work makes you, Ivan, not only desperate (the correct spelling, you moron), but also astonishingly stupid–not that there was any doubt about that.

So here’s another bit of free advice, Ivan: Get over yourself. This is completely unacceptable. And if you want me or any editor to believe that you are qualified as a writer, you need to demonstrate a basic level of literacy by showing that you have read and understood the publicly available guidelines and that you have basic writing skills that include correct grammar, spelling, and punctuation–or at least knowledge of Spell Check.

Sincerely,

Kristen King