The Renegade Writer Blog

A writer friend of mine confessed to me last night she’s pathologically incapable of saying no. Like if someone offered her a million bucks to say No, she’d say Yes. Since she feels incapable of saying that little word, it leads to a lot of stress and anxiety in her life.

It’s a problem many of my friends have, and I’ve been privy to many a conversation with writers about how hard it is to tell editors, sources, PR people, or family and friends, “No.” I sort of keep quiet during these conversations, because the truth is, I have very little trouble with the word. Is it that I have a five-year-old and I screech “No!” maybe 300 times during the day? I don’t think so, because I never gave No another thought prior to his birth. I said no to second dates, telemarketers, my parents, bosses, certain controlled substances, and editors with equal abandon.

I had a college friend who couldn’t say no. I’d ask her, “Hey, do you want to go see Back to the Future tonight [for the 29th time, since that's all that was playing at the 99 cent theatre for weeks]” and she’d look at her pile of books, exhale a long-suffering sigh and say, “Ok.” I’d say, “It’s not a problem if you don’t want to go.” And it wasn’t. I don’t mind going to the movies or dining alone — in fact, I rather enjoy it. But she’d sigh again and say, “I’ll go. It’s okay.” It made me feel really bad. I wondered if everyone in the house secretly hated me, and she was going with me out of pity.  Eventually I saw that she did this with everyone. She didn’t want to disappoint anyone, so it was easier to disappoint herself.

Anyway, I gave my writer friend some tips last night, one of which really struck a chord with her, so I figured I’d share my whiz-bang tips for naysaying with you all:

•  Enlist a de facto boss. If you ever worked in the corporate world, you might remember times when a colleague sauntered up to you with a stack of TPS reports and asked if you could finish collating them by the end of the day. How did you respond? “Let me check with my boss on that.” When you freelance, however, you don’t have that boss to go to, so ask one of your friends to wear that badge. When an editor calls with a rush assignment, you can say, “I need to check with someone on this. Can I call you back in a few minutes?” Call your trusted friend/boss, explain the situation, and get your yay or nay. (This is the tip my friend loved. I’m going to work this chick! Whip-crack!)
• Another way of saying No is “I don’t know.” Basically this is the strategy behind the above tip. It just buys you time. Follow it with, “May I get back to you later today?”
• Set a no quota. During the day, look for small places where you can say No. “Would you like fries with that?” or “May I have a moment of your time, ma’am?” are perfect places to start. Keep count of your no’s. Note when it gets harder to say no. How do you feel saying it? What was the result of your saying no?
• Write out what you’d really like to say and post those words next to your phone. Stare at those words during the conversation. Even better, use them!
• Say something else besides no that means no. This is my secret weapon. If an editor asks if I can turn something around and I can’t, I’ll say, “I’m sorry, that’s going to be impossible with my schedule.” If my son asks for cookies a half-hour before dinner, I’ll respond with, “Cookies are for dessert; how about some carrot sticks?”
• Imagine the worst thing that could happen if you said no. OK, some of you are imagining your editors stomping off in a fit, vowing never to work with you again, but seriously, do you think this would happen? Maybe in a few oddball cases (and honestly, if someone got that mad at you for setting boundaries, would you want to work with them?).
• Most people appreciate hearing an honest no. Think about it. A Yes is better, but don’t you appreciate it when an editor gets back to you with a quick no, especially when it comes with an explanation of why not? Think about times when people have said no to you. How did it make you feel inside? Chances are, hearing a well-executed no didn’t destroy you; it won’t destroy others when you say no.
• For advanced nof&ckingwayers: Accept that saying no can be hard. There are times when you have to say no when you want to say yes. There are other times when saying no puts a real crimp in the other person’s day, resources, mood, etc.

Any other renegades have little trouble saying no? (And don’t be cheeky with your No, dammit!) Let’s hear your comments below. [db]

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